Thursday, September 16, 2010

Emotions

So ever since I found out that I was expecting, I have been a ball of emotions. Of course when there were two lines of the first pregnancy test (yes, I said first because there were three), I cried uncontrollably. But I've also been scared, nervous, anxious...almost any emotion you can think of.

I found out that I was pregnant on a Friday night, August 20th to be exact. I was so excited to be able to call my Dr's office Monday morning, but I was also scared to death...what if they told me it was all in my head. Lynn, my nurse (who is amazing) told me to come in and do the blood test. She called me Tuesday and said my HCG was over 2000 - I was definitely pregnant. Again, I cried. I was just elated.

She scheduled us to come in for our first sonogram the following Friday because she knew I was flying out to NY for a few weeks and she wanted to give us peace of mind before I left. That Friday my stomach was in knots. I just knew that there wasn't going to be a heartbeat, or that something was just going to be wrong. But I was wrong...there was the most beautiful sound...a heartbeat. Not just beating, but beating strong. As soon as we heard it, tears just streamed down my face with the realization that God really had created this little miracle. This wasn't all in my head!

But I still worry; I still feel anxious that something will go wrong. I think these feelings come from the fact that just a month before I got pregnant, God and I had a big talk. I told him that I was ok with whatever path He had for us; whether we would have a child of our own, or adopt, or even foster. I was ok it. If He would lead us, then we would follow. I had accepted that I may never be the one to see a positive pregnancy test; I may never be the one to say "I'm pregnant".... and I was ok with that. Then, to my surprise, I got to see and do both of these things...I saw two lines; I got to tell Brant "I am pregnant". But these were two things that I had waited so long to do, that I didn't believe them and I just "knew" the bad was coming.

I talked with Brant and Sister about it; both people reminded me of the same thing: God is sovereign. He has already written this baby's story and whatever His plan is, then that is what will happen - whether I worry about it or not. The only thing I can do is this: pray! I pray for this baby so many times a day - I pray for its health that it will grow healthy and strong; I pray for its heart - that it will love unconditionally; I pray for its salvation - that it will know the Lord at a young age and have a passion for Him; I just pray.

3 comments:

Cummings Fam said...

OH Ashley! I just cried like a baby reading your blog! The Lord is sovereign! I cannot wait to see you pregnant! THat baby is going to have the best momma ever! You have had ton a practice with your D3DIVAS! I love you momma! :)

Grimes Life said...

You are doing great, don't let those bad thoughts even get in your head. God has had a plan for you sweet little baby from the very beginning, even 2 years ago when you started the process. He will ALWAYS take care of you! :)

And for the emotions, girl let it all out! Jon couldn't do anything right for the first tri when I was pregnant with Cade...I am sure Brant will feel the same at some point!

So so so happy for y'all! :)

JPO said...

I haven't had a chance to tell you yet how excited I am for you!

You will be an awesome mother! God has perfect timing!

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