Tuesday, September 15, 2009

"Because I want you to want Me."

I sat down tonight with every intention of telling you about my emotional breakdown today...I so lovingly call it "Breakdown #1". But every time my hands go to the keys, the words to the song "My Beloved" come to the front of my mind.
"You're my beloved, you're my bride,
To sing over you is my delight,
Come away with me, my love."
Its as if the Lord, himself, is singing to me tonight; telling me to just come away with Him - so sit, and to cry, and to just be.

Tonight, the tears roll down my face and I just need to be with my Father. I need him to hold me, to carry me, to breathe joy into my soul. You see, tonight I just long to be mother, but I feel so defeated.

I have never truly understood the feeling of defeat until recently. I have never understood how you could try, and try, and try your very hardest to do something, but never succeed. When Brant and I first decided to try and have a baby, I was so excited. In my perfect little world, my dearest friends would be planning my baby shower right now, and I would be painting a nursery. I would be going shopping on the weekends with my sister for the perfect "coming home" outfit while Brant was at home trying to put the crib together. You see, there is nothing that I have ever wanted more than to a mom; to rock my little baby to sleep, to feel their skin against mine, to comfort them when the cry.

For the first time tonight, I just let myself cry and lay it all at His feet. For the first time tonight, I have literally asked the Lord out loud why the one thing that I want so badly is the one thing that is so hard to get. And He answered me: "Because I want you to want ME."

Last night, I started a Bible Study with some of the other ladies in my Sunday School Class: Stepping Up - a study of the Pslams of Ascent by Beth Moore. Its a study about going up - about rising up for something greater - about taking a pilgrimage to the next level even when we are weary. And this my friends, is the exact place where I am at.

Tonight, I am weary and defeated. But my Jesus just wants me to love Him and to lay EVERYTHING before His feet. So that is what I will do! Tonight, I will go sit with Him and be with Him and allow Him to breathe joy into my soul because I am a daughter of the King and HE has the PERFECT plan for me. For I know, that one day, maybe soon, maybe not, I will be mother.


The Ward Family said...

Thank you for being so open and honest tonight. You've truly blessed me and I'm praying for you and this journey the Lord has you on.
You can trust Him!!
Your Friend,

The Pifer's said...

Always praying for you and your family.

Love, Hugs and prayers-

Ashley said...

hi ashley!
this is melissa's SIL. i'm up in the middle of the night because i can't sleep and i'm looking at blogs to pass the time!! i just read your post about wanting to be a mommy so bad. i know what that feels like and i just wanted to say that i am sorry you are going through this and feeling this pain. we went through it for a long time too! it is awful. but, God is good! He will hold you up when you think you can stand no more. if you need to vent, or talk, or want any of the info about things we did, the group we went to at our church that helped SO much, or anything else, please let me know. i am praying for you! :)

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