Wednesday, April 15, 2009


...that's how I feel today. I have felt this way for some time today, but was never able to put a word to the feeling until a few minutes ago.

It was five minutes ago that I had to stop working, put my head down, clothes my eyes, and whisper "Lord, why do I feel so ..... defeated today?" But you want to know the great thing about our God...he quietly whispered back... and I am not defeated because HE IS ALIVE!

Yes, Easter has already come and gone, but my God is ALIVE...He ALWAYS has been and He FOREVER will be! Therefore, I am never defeated and never alone.

But there are those days, like today, where I just feel sad, mellow, indifferent...defeated.

The day seemed to start off fine...I got up at 5:30, had a great workout and headed to work. This morning work was even fine...I have plenty to do and got busy as soon as I walked in the door. But late in the morning, some of my co-workers came around to tease me. Now, I don't mine a little teasing, and it actually all started on Monday. "A" said a word that I hate and I made an ugly face at him - teasing him that is. Then he asked me why I made that face and I told him that I hated that word. So then everyone else started to say that word just because I said that I hated it - to get my goat (as we say down here in Texas). Now all of this was fine with me because it lasted a few minutes, then it was dropped.

But today, the teasing was them trying to get me to say this word...a word that I hate with all of my being...a word that I cringe at when I hear...a word that literally hurts my ears. My co-workers literally had me red in the face because they were doing anything they could to make me say this word.

Now if you are wondering...No, I never said this word, and I actually voiced my thoughts on the word and told them why I hate the word; but nevertheless, the teasing went on.

Although this may not sound like a big deal to you, I simply cannot describe to you in words how I felt after this. I felt like screaming at each one of them because they claim to Christians but talk about sleeping around (only one of them is married), and they cuss like sailors; drink until they can't remember what they were doing; yet sing in the church choir on Sunday morning.

So I defeated because I am a minority in the workplace. I am one who *tries* not to let the secular world get to me, and *tries* not to be a party to it. Yet, I wonder if I am being a hypocrite because yes, I have been in their shoes before.

Satan has attacked me today. He has pushed every button he knows of, and I feel like it is beginning to work...I am feeling defeated.

Defeated because we desperately want to start our family.

Defeated because life just isn't what I want it to be right now.

But I stand the Word that says my God is ALIVE and I will never be defeated because

"He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. "

Psalm 91:4

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

I am so sorry you had a bad day yesterday. Just keep looking to God!

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